Park Survival Tips!

The past weekend at the park was a prosperous and satisfying experience.  I was able to finish off two of my projects that I had left from last year.  I was unable to get on either one of them until this weekend because of Trade Show insanity and massive piles of snow covering them.

I had tried Bush Pilot (V11) last year and come very close to flashing it, then I spent the better part of 5 hours trying to get back up to my high point.  Saturday I headed up to work it and Freaks of the Industry (V13) with Carlo, Ryan, and Garrett.  Between the rain I was able to send in freezing cold temps and Ryan nearly did Freaks!  Strong work from a grizzled park veteran….

Sunday, Brion and I went up for the afternoon so that I could finish off Sunspot (V10/11) and Brion could try and complete Bush Pilot.  We hit a few snags along the way but we both sent with some modified beta and some excellent donkey kick po-gos.

Peep the video above!

Did I mention that I am famous?  Thanks Gavin and ASA!

I have spent two seasons in the Park, which in no way makes me a local, but I have picked up on a lot of very useful tips that might help the first time Park boulderer.  These tips have been put in order of occurrence and should be strictly followed unless you like suffering at the hands of the Park Rangers, Tourists, or other idiots that might ruin your day in the High Country…

Park Survival Tips-

1. GET PIE FROM ESTES PARK BEFORE YOU CLIMB.  Very supple pies…
2. Stop at the Shell grocery/gas station just before entering the Park to get the hook up from Emiliyan.  He will make you the most insanely overstuffed sandwich you have ever had and    hook you up with the discount. Bawse!
3. Once you pass the lower parking lot on the way up to Chaos drive very slow no matter how many cars start to pile up behind you.  This provides you with the highest potential for an open space in the upper lot.  The more agitated the tailgaters get the more bonus points earned.
4. As you approach the upper parking lot and the park ranger stops you to tell you that “the lot is full but there is a park and ride 4 miles down the road and the shuttles run until 7” just ignore him/her and ask as many obvious questions as possible such as:
“What time did you say the shuttles run to again?  And how often?”
“Is this the parking lot for Bear Lake?”
“Is it supposed to rain today?”
“Where is the bathroom?”
“When do the shuttles stop running?”
“How do I see/photograph wild bears/moose/elk/squirrels/marmots?”
“What time do the shuttles run to again?”
5. Avoid the pit toilet breeze that will blast you in the face with thousands of tourist’s high altitude bowel movements…
6. When hiking up to Chaos keep a steady pace with your head down, your headphones in, and a pissed off look on your face to avoid stupid questions from tourists like:
“Ya’ll sleepin’ up there, or what?”
“You’ins rappellin’ off that rock face up there?”
“How many days you gonna spend up there?!”
7. When a tourist actually makes eye contact, stiff arms you, or is a very attractive Swedish girl the proper response to “What is that thing on your back?” can be one of the following:
“Elk Saddle”
“Child molester trap”
“Pieces of the international bear viewing station being assembled at the summit of Hallett”
“Sleds”
“Parachutes”
“Sex mats”
“Massage table”
8. Become intimately familiar with the “Magic Stump” and its short cutting powers.
9. Always clock in and out at the hollow tree.  You have to be clocked in to do work otherwise you don’t get paid…
10. Know your short cuts to save time when hiking through the talus and perfect your glacading skills to avoid the dreaded swamp foot…
11. Have patience.  The snow will melt or someone else will dig out your project for you.  The snow melts fast.
12. Bring a jacket. If it looks like it’s about to rain, it already is.
13. Take refuge from the rain under a nice steep wall to avoid the dreaded “drip.”
14. You will see the same 10 people in the Park all summer so play nice.
15. Know your climbing area and when someone is showing you a video of Hueco bouldering don’t say “Aw cool!  I love the Park!” because it makes you look like an idiot.  Also, its not called Pocky Nountain Mational Rark…
16. Don’t believe the grades in the Park, they are all over the map and change frequently.  You will inevitably run into that guy who is always downgrading everything.  “No freaking way Riddles is V12! More like hard 10” and “Sunspot are you kidding me?!  I can do that barefoot with my thumb in my ass!”
17. When leaving for the day, running is always a good choice.  Upper Chaos to the car – 22 minutes 38 seconds.  Try and beat me.
18. As you are leaving, be sure to honk your horn loudly to attract wild animals.
19. Domino’s Pizza is almost always open in Estes Park
20. You can coast for nearly 15 miles on the downhill’s heading back to Boulder.

Know these rules and live by them.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you…